PTSD & Open Water Swimming: Atlantic Annie Finds Calm Within the Waves

Robert Pease (host) 

High school reunions: we’ve all been to them and felt that visceral shock of how much classmates have aged in the 5 or 10 years since we’ve last seen them. And then of course we wonder, have we aged that much? The frightening answer is yes, obviously. But you put that aside, get an earful of news, and conjure up those high school memories. 

Robert Pease (host)

Hey Jeff. Amazing, you’re still with us. You must have learned how to drive at some point.

Jeff

Well yes I did. Thanks, Robbie. Brake pedal. Discovered it in college, actually. It’s a great invention, wish I had known about it sooner. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Marianne had a great line at our 45th reunion about what our reunion photo might be used for.

Marianne 

Oh are we going to get a photo now? The public service ad for why we all should have worn sunscreen back in the day?

Robert Pease (host)

I’m also curious if people are staying active as they get into their 60’s. Most are not, unfortunately. But one exception is Annie, who I knew from a bunch of classes in high school and from the tennis team.

Robert Pease (host) 

Annie. How are you doing? Good to see you. 

Annie 

Hey, Robby. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Yeah. Where have you been, still in Cambridge?

Annie

Uh, I used to split my time between Cambridge and, um, Rhode Island. But now I’m primarily in Rhode Island. Uh, during the pandemic, my mother had dementia and I’m her health proxy, so I had to go down and, and make sure that we kept her out of the hospital and, and, uh, healthy. She’s since passed, but, uh. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Oh I’m sorry. 

Annie

Yeah, thanks. It was a lot, but now I’m really primarily in Rhode Island and very happy.

Robert Pease (host)

Annie came from a big family and was one of the youngest of about 5 or 6 kids if I remember correctly. I did vaguely recall she had a rough time growing up in our affluent town. There were financial difficulties, their house went up for auction at least once. And there were some years when Annie was absent an awful lot. 

Annie 

I had horrible PTSD. I mean, hundreds of flashbacks. I documented them all, blah, blah, blah. Family. Really, really difficult stuff. This was all from childhood.

Robert Pease (host)

The condition that Annie confronted years later is known as Complex PTSD or CPTSD. It  stems from longer periods of trauma and is characterized by debilitating emotional flashbacks.

Annie

My interpretation of what is PTSD? It is like a blood curdling scream silenced and suspended in time.

Robert Pease (host) 

Those of us who knew Annie back then, classmates and friends, we should have reached out to her. But it was a much more private time in the 1970’s. No social media, no smart phones. And on the whole, or at least on the surface, Annie seemed to be doing well in high school. She was always at the top of the class despite those absences. And a great athlete, too: tennis, skiing, soccer. At the reunion, I wondered what she was doing now that she’d moved from the city to the southern coast of New England near Narragansett Bay.  

Robert Pease (host)

Beautiful down there. Are you a sailor? A lot of sailing down there?

Annie 

Um, I’m not really a sailor. I used to do a lot of board sailing, i.e. windsurfing. Um, but I haven’t been doing that so much lately. I’ve been swimming. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Like a master’s club type of thing?

Annie 

No, no, I do, I swim in the ocean primarily. Sometimes in the river.

Robert Pease (host) 

Wow. With anyone, or? 

Annie

Only the animals. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Wow. So you’re into it.

Annie 

I’m really into it. It’s my new favorite sport.

Robert Pease (host)

I’m Robert Pease and this is My Body Odyssey, a podcast about the rewards and challenges of open water swimming this episode. For anxiety issues like PTSD with our protagonist, Atlantic Annie. We wanted to learn first hand about Annie’s experiences with swimming, so a few months after our reunion chat, I met her at her favorite swimming spot on the southern New England shore. Where, despite the risks, Annie usually swims alone and long after the lifeguards are gone.  

Annie

Yeah. I, I certainly think the social benefits sound great. Um, for me, I have a lot of self-discipline, so I, I don’t need the personal goal to get me out here.

Robert Pease (host)

Annie also swims at a really high level. But she’d never want to compete in the sport.

Annie

You know, I, I’ve heard the saying that the comparative is the great killer of joy. And this is pure fun for me. Uh, and I also don’t, I’ve had so much competition in my life, I don’t need more.

Robert Pease (host) 

The benefits Annie gets from open water swimming are more valuable to her than social connections or athletic accomplishment because in her words they are profoundly therapeutic. She likes to call this “the saltwater cure.”

Annie 

My love for this and the joy I get from being here is, is because I, I really feel a connection to nature. And I do think nature heals us. I mean, we know this now. 

Robert Pease (host) 

PTSD can be as overwhelming as ocean waves and just as relentless.Yet much of that angst  abates when Annie spends this half hour swimming through the ocean chop at the very same beach she first played on as a child. 

Annie

Yeah. In fact, when they took me out of the hospital, it was in August. This is after I was born. They brought me down here. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was on this beach within, within the week.

Robert Pease (host) 

An immediate christening .

Annie

Yes. And I, I have a special affinity for this, and a lot of times if I’m in the city, first thing I do is I drive to this spot and, uh, look out on the ocean. Uh, I just have this very deep connection that goes back 63 years.

Robert Pease (host) 

Wow. And yet you didn’t really become, I think I’m correct, an open water swimmer in the avid sense of the term until much later, right?

Annie

Yeah. About 9 or 10 years ago, I took swim lessons. I used to swim like, uh, an outboard motor. I mean, literally for about 50 years, I swam with my head up and, uh, with way too much kick. And I would always wear myself out, but I would keep warm. I took swim lessons when I was about 6 years old. I could do the dog paddle. But not a very good crawl. A little bit of breast stroked. But I never learned to swim properly until about 9 or 10 years ago.

Robert Pease (host) 

Learning to swim properly or efficiently as an adult with some anxiety and a lot of bad habits – that’s a big challenge. But Annie was keen to take it on. 

Annie

And I would be doing my stretching or working out on weight machines, and I would see the swimmers. And I’m very drawn to, uh, beautiful athletes. And, uh, I noticed there were a couple of swimmers, women in particular, who were really graceful and beautiful. And I was kind of drawn and intrigued. And I thought at one point I really, I think I should learn to swim properly. ‘Cause I could tell that wasn’t what I was doing. 

Robert Pease (host)

Smooth, efficient swimming that may appear effortless to the observer. But it is also highly technical. The high elbow, the water catch, maintaining body balance while both kicking and rotating. Annie found a good swim coach who made a huge difference. 

Annie

And, uh, so we’d spend a little time at the beginning of each, um, swim lesson, just getting used to the aqueous environment. You know, getting attuned, you’re in a different space, different physics, um, and, you know, blow bubbles for four seconds. And -this was the best part- he taught me to breathe on the other, on the left side. And I literally thought that would be impossible. So it was-

Robert Pease (host) 

Why, why did you think it would be impossible? Did you have fear of the water?

Annie

No, I had, well, I had some trauma in my life. And I didn’t like, I mean, that whole idea of breathing on, on a side that you’re not used to was psychologically, um, made me feel anxious. So being able to feel, ‘okay, you’ve got your, you’re,  you’re gonna stay afloat’. And then being able to focus on the mechanics of the arm was a breakthrough for me. And it was well worth it, because when I swim, do open water swimming, I need to be able to breathe on both sides for safety purposes.

Robert Pease (host) 

Short time later, Annie was able to take her newfound fascination with swimming out of  the indoor pool and into the open water. Or at first, the semi-open water.

Annie 

Yeah. Um, after I had the lessons in the summer, I would wait until the water was warm enough. Uh, typically, let’s just say around the 1st of June. And I would come out and I initially started in the river, which is about a half mile away, and quieter water. Um, it’s near the mouth of the, of the harbor, so near the open ocean, but a little warmer. And, um, less chop and less waves. And I would, I would swim there. A lot more animals, though, and outboard motors.

Robert Pease (host) 

The beach where Atlantic Annie swims, that looks south towards Martha’s Vineyard and the open water. It’s dotted by large rock formations looming over the water as if pondering whether to roll upward onto the beach. But Annie swims between these rocks several times a week for as long as weather permits, and some days when it really doesn’t. 

Annie

I swam a week ago in the, um, tropical storm Ophelia, and that was a very different thing. So I was really getting blasted by the, by the, um, chop. Uh, and then literally it feels like it slaps you in the face sometimes. It was raining and I think I was the only one on the beach, but it was a different experience and it was beautiful.

Robert Pease (host) 

But today on our visit to this shoreline, the water is unseasonably calm.

Annie

And I’m looking at it right now, and it’s just all these, it’s like all these, uh, thousands of jewels just glinting, um, one after another. And the water is very, what do I say? It’s a silver/gold color that’s lovely. And it’s, it’s exciting. I mean, you, you see it in front of you and it, it’s almost like looking into a beautiful blue sky. It’s, it’s, there’s a, there’s a feeling in your solar plexus that just relates to it.

Robert Pease (host)

After talking a bit more, I did join Annie for a swim but couldn’t keep up for long; her technique is really advanced. So I gave up and waited on shore for her to finish what was about a one mile swim at a really good clip. 

Robert Pease (host)

So, just out of the water. How was it, uh, today relative to most days?

Annie

Um, I would say on a scale of 1 to 10, I was thinking this is a 9. 

Robert Pease (host)

Wow. 

Annie

I feel that good. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Wow. 

Annie

Um, and the only thing that could be any better from my perspective would be maybe a little warmer. Um, but that’s okay. Um, this is maybe healthier for me and, uh, and the wind- if, uh, if there were a little less wind.

Robert Pease (host) 

So I hate to bring this up, but here’s kind of a test of whether it was a 9. Did you think at all about car repair? Because I know you have a car repair issue.

Annie

You know, I, that was gone. I did not ruminate, I don’t think on anything. I was wondering if you were where you, where you might be, but, um, no. And I, I arrived at the rock over down at the other end sooner than I had expected, which was nice too. It meant I was swimming and I probably had, I did have the wind at my back too, so, um, that was helpful. But no, I did not ruminate about that. And, uh, it went by faster than I had thought too.

Robert Pease (host)

I wondered if Annie could describe how she felt physically and emotionally after a great swim on a near perfect day. 

Annie

I feel as though almost invincible. I realize I’m not, you know, I’ve lived enough years. But I, you know, I come out of the water and it’s, wow, I feel like a kid again. I feel almost elastic, which is a very cool sense because there’s not really any tension in the body.

Annie

It just feels like this springiness and, um, energy. Even though I, I worked pretty hard as I was going and I did the sprints. I had a little extra at the end, so I did the sprints with the, um, fins on, which is always fun. Yeah. Because you feel like you’re a true fish, you’re swimming like a fish. So it was fun.

Robert Pease (host) 

And on clearer days, Annie can see a variety of fins swimming all around her.

Annie 

Sometimes I see striped bass and they will be right near you. Uh, sometimes I see minnows. Um, but it’s always exciting. Occasionally I’ll see a seal. And you know, one day I was out here in October and I was swimming right in front of the big rock and I was on my back and I had taken just a few strokes, backstroke, and I looked and I, and I looked and there was this little face, it looked like a little old man’s face right in front of me. And it was a seal. Now I did not feel afraid, and uh, I always know I am never swimming alone. 

Robert Pease 

From where we stood, it sure looked like Annie was swimming alone. But at least today there were a few other people on the beach. But that’s not how Annie sees it. 

Annie 

Because I swim, I often times swim without other humans. Um, because I’m sharing something, we’re all sharing something. And I think it’s, it’s, it’s part of the way I feel connected to the earth. Um, and that, and that’s would be true if someone said, are you alone? Because that’s a great question because for a lot of my life, makes me have a little catch in my throat, I did feel alone. And I don’t feel alone any longer. Um, and that’s, that’s a wonderful place to be. 

Robert Pease (host) 

After the swim and a short walk on the beach to dry off, we sat down to talk to Annie outside a beach house now closed for the season, the ocean behind us, and maybe a dozen people on the beach in the early afternoon, some having lunch, others walking dogs. And one or two testing the temperature of the water but not for long, so very likely not experiencing the full benefits that Annie derives from these open water swims.

Annie

I love the way I feel after, and I love the experience itself. Um, I feel this profound sense of calm after I, um, after I swim and have been in for quite a while. And, um, I haven’t found many things that, uh, are equal to that, any sports where I feel such a sense of calm. But even more so when I swim. And when I first started swimming, I noticed that my pulse, which is pretty low because I do a lot of diff, I do a lot of fitness activities, uh, let’s say low fifties. Uh, I do typically will test it, my resting pulse at night. I noticed that it had dropped by 5, 8, 10 beats per minute.

Robert Pease (host) 

Annie is by no means alone in experiencing this change.

Dr. Heather Massey 

People have sent me their Garmin watch information about their resting heart rates, and told me when their periods of, of regular outdoor swimming have been compared to when they haven’t swam outdoors. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Dr. Heather Massey is a Senior Lecturer in Sport, Health and Exercise Science at the University of Portsmouth in the UK. She’s also a member of the Extreme Environments Laboratory Team. And she’s an avid open water swimmer. 

Dr. Heather Massey

The one thing that cold water swimming is, it’s what we call a perturbation. And it totally disrupts what the status quo within the body, putting the body in a position where it needs to respond and react to, uh, the stimulus that cold water. And it could well be that this is the latest stimulus  that Annie has experienced. So repetition of that cold water swimming and her resting heart rate has gradually dropped.

Robert Pease (host)

On the other side of the Atlantic, Annie was doing her own research and discovering that reduced pulse is part of the Mammalian Diving Reflex, essentially what the body instinctively does to prioritize functions while cold water swimming. 

Annie

And I started looking into it, and I noticed there were some articles on what happens to your, to you when you dive into the sea, or when your face in particular, your face is immersed in cool water. And we’re talking, you know, below 70 or 68 degrees. And that it actually does change your pulse. It changes your, changes our physiology as humans. Um, and I think we become more like sea mammals.

Annie

And it’s apparently, um, activating the Parasympathetic Nervous System, which I have come to understand over the last 10 years, is our relaxation response. It’s what’s activated when we sleep, when we rest, when we repair, when we’re, we’re with our favorite pet, um, with a lover. Um, and I was getting that by swimming. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Dr. Massey cautions that there is much research to be done to understand Mammalian Diving Reflex, which involves the combined effects of immersion in nature, water, and cold temperature while also swimming. But at least part of the reflex, the cold watery part, that’s well understood. 

Dr. Heather Massey

We do this as a student practical every year where we, not only do we immerse the students face in cold water, but we also look at what happens when they immerse their face in warm water. And we do see that the dive reflex is not as pronounced in warm water immersions as it is in cold water immersions. And that’s down to the fact that it hasn’t stimulated that the Vagus nerve to the same extent in the warm water as it does in the cold water.

Robert Pease (host) 

The Vagus Nerve is something like our main control unit for the Parasympathetic Nervous System, including heart rate, digestion and immune response. In Atlantic Annie’s case, Vagus Nerve stimulation in open water has made her less prone to sudden anxiety on land– it’s as if her body has learned the difference between a real and present threat, like drowning, and the memory of a threat.

Robert Pease (host)

I wondered if Annie felt most of this transformation when she first began to swim a decade ago. Or has this calming effect continued to grow? 

Annie

I think that’s a, an interesting question to ponder. I, I haven’t thought about it a lot. But I do think, um, yeah, because we’re being tested all the time. Our nervous systems, with stress, various stressors, as I said, you know, the minor and major. And so, um, I think as I get to be a better swimmer, um, I know I’m relaxing more in the water. And, uh, it’s also enabling me, I think, to use it more to, um, what would I say, reduce any anxiety or, uh, negative feelings or, um, difficult, uh, moods or whatever. 

Robert Pease (host) 

For Annie, that destressing process is vitally important because of that childhood trauma she experienced which resurfaced with a vengeance decades later.

Annie

I had my nose broken, I had my back fractured. I had to process all the components of loss associated with that trauma. 

Robert Pease (host)  

Which set her on an odyssey to understand the roots of that trauma and find ways to weaken its grip.

Annie

And I knew when I first started having the flashbacks, that I had this sense of inner disquiet. I did not know what it was. I now know it was anxiety. And it was basically a chronic anxiety. Grief gets stuck in the body. It is almost like a living, breathing creature. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Annie then went through a long process of dealing with PTSD.

Annie

So I went through 19 years of really healing, using every tool at my disposal, fortunately. And I was determined to do it drug free. Um, I believe that trauma happens. Shit happens. But it, it doesn’t have to be a life sentence. So, uh, yes. I mean, I had this super busy, stressed life. It was my way, my workaholism, was my way of keeping away from the feelings. ‘Cause busyness, activity, masks feelings. 

Robert Pease (host) 

We should emphasize here: swimming did not magically diminish Annie’s PTSD. She had already made progress by the time of those first swim lessons. But open water swimming these past 10 years has brought her to a calmer, more resilient place. And helps her stay there, despite the inevitable stress in our lives: the barrage of media, family members yelling past each other, money issues, car repairs.

Annie

So I, I’m just, it’s a hard thing to answer because I had already gotten to this more relaxed place. And yet no, I still deal with lots of stress. But I don’t have PTSD. I have “PTSD light”, because of the social environment, ’cause of the, you know, this feel this. Um, but I’m, it’s part of the process. Hurt peopleHurt people. But I have a story to tell. I do. You can tell, I got a story. I want to tell it. And I, I think people need to, can benefit from it. Let’s put it that way, because I figured some things out.

Robert Pease (host) 

It’s now mid afternoon, the sun sinking, the tide receding, and the beach almost empty. But we’ve been talking long enough that it almost seems like Annie’s ready for another swim. 

Robert Pease (host)

Well, um, you said you have a little bit of almost a nickname around here, “is she still out there?” Have you been able to impart, you know, your love of swimming and the potential benefits of swimming to anyone else? Or is it just really hard to convey that to someone who hasn’t experienced it?

Annie 

I think what really changes people is when they wanna change. I had a, there was a couple of funny remarks when I was doing my fitness routine and my swims and, uh, my swim going back and forth. And one of the guys made a comment to his wife, “oh, I should be out there doing that”. Um, and, and she said a lot of the guys were saying, oh, they all should be out there doing that.

Annie

I don’t know why guys were thinking they should do it instead of women. Um, everybody needs it. So, I don’t know. I don’t worry about, I just think that I need to do my thing and hopefully I’ll be an example. 

Robert Pease (host) 

We’re getting closer to the end of your swimming season. There’ll be this long period of time, where you won’t be able to swim, at least in the same way. What does it feel like that first day in the spring when you’re able to get back in the water?

Annie 

I am so excited. I am exhilarated. Um, it’s usually kind of chilly, you know, the first couple times.  So many people don’t realize how important play is for us. You know, that it’s how we learn, it’s how we renew ourselves. And, um, so I get very excited and I’m kind of like a kid, you know, a kid getting out on my bike again in the spring and it’s like, “wow”, you know, “I have a whole season ahead of me”.

Robert Pease (host) 

Thanks to Atlantic Annie for sharing the challenges of her PTSD and the many benefits she derives from open water swimming: the immersion in nature, the proximity to marine life, the great cardio workout, but also that Mammalian Diving Reflex which she feels makes her calmer and more resilient once back land with all us other mammals. We hope to catch up with Annie at the beginning of next year’s open water swimming season, when all of those benefits come washing back over her. 

Robert Pease (host) 

Thanks also to Dr. Heather Massey for her expert insights as a researcher who swims and a swimmer in a really interesting field of research. We’ll hear more from Dr. Massey in our next premium episode on Apple Subscriptions. Next up for our season two finale on My Body Odyssey, a wintry visit to Vermont for a conversation with Nordic John. He’s 80 years young, but  still practices and competes internationally in cross-country skiing despite the decade-long challenge of Parkinson’s Disease.

John 

Now, as you can see, I have a lot of extraneous movement in my legs and my arms. Um, and that’s very symptomatic of Parkinson’s. 

Robert Pease (host) 

But also because of that Parkinson’s, John is as committed a skier today as at any point in his many decades of skiing locally in Vermont as well as competitively throughout North America and Europe. 

John 

I haven’t had any medical people tell me that I shouldn’t go as hard as possible. That is really effective when you push yourself to the limit.

Robert Pease (host)

We hope you’ll join us for that episode, tell a friend or two about the show and review us on Apple podcasts. We’re looking for sponsors for the next season of My Body Odyssey and would appreciate any and all ideas. You can reach us through our website, mybodyodyssey.com, and through our social media. My Body Odyssey is a Fluent Knowledge production, with original music by Ryan Adair Rooney. I’m Robert Pease wishing you happy holidays from the whole My Body Odyssey team.